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Gaian Rants | ||||
The Bear Sometimes we have such fears in our lives that they haunt us, even in our dreams. When I was a young girl there were many nights that I would dart awake, sweating and exhausted. I had been running all night trying to escape the bear. Though the dreams eventually subsided, my fear of the bear remained. In my dream I would walk through the field connecting my father’s house and the brook. I knew I was alone but I felt a presence close to me. Then I saw the bear. He rose to his feet like a giant and his breath was hot on my face. His roar made the Earth shake. My eyes blurred, my blood ran through me faster than light, and I ran. The grass that had once gently licked my legs, now drew blood. The ground was no longer steady and I tripped and twisted my ankle. All the while the bear was behind me, his claws just inches from the backs of my legs. Finally I tore through the back door of my father’s house and desperately tried to find safety under the table and behind the chairs but they were just sticks to the bear’s claws. Scrambling to my feet, I ran out the front door, past the apple trees, cedars, and pines, and tumbled over the stone wall to the safety of the Jarvis’ house next door. In my dream I could hear the laughter and mindless chatter of my parents and the Jarvis’ coming from the front porch. Blank stares greeted me as I rounded the corner of the house, bloodied and out of breath. When I turned to show them the bear, it was gone. Just before I turned 30, I bought the Jarvis’ house. Scott and I moved in with my two daughters, Jessie and Alice, and our three dogs: Chance, a beagle; Jenny, a collie; and Odea, a German Shepherd. One beautiful sunny day shortly after the move Chance had taken her puppies into the woods and across the brook and left them to find their way back. All but two returned. Searching for the lost puppies, I trod lightly through the field keeping my eyes and ears open. When I reached the brook, I hopped from rock to rock across the water then climbed the damp, mossy far bank and began the walk through the woods toward Olga Staples’ house. Soon I found the first puppy, and I scooped him up and held him under my right arm. He was exhausted but content and breathing rhythmically against my side. I moved swiftly through the trees as I called for the other puppy. When the ground leveled and I had reached the top of the hill, I suddenly no longer felt alone. My heart beat faster but when I heard the soft breath and the hushed grunt behind me, I relaxed. “It’s the puppy”, I thought and turned around. It was my childhood dream come alive! The bear rose like a giant onto his back legs. His breath was hot and his black eyes swallowed me as our gazes met. I tightened my grip on the puppy and ran down the slope in the direction of the water. I could not believe this was happening and it wasn’t a dream! The puppy was crying under my arm. Branches tore at my skin and rocks and roots tripped my feet as I scrambled toward safety. I reached the first clearing and kept going, never looking back at the bear. I passed my father’s house, my heart racing, knowing from my dream that I would not find safety there. I moved as quickly as I could along the dirt road, my ankles turning over the rocks and crevasses. My legs ached and my eyes were sore with dirt and water. I held the puppy tightly as I ran. Passing the barn, I turned the corner of the house and heard the sounds of my children. But, just like in the dream, when I reached them the bear was not there. I looked up on the mountain and felt the bear standing where I had left him, his strong black hair still shining in the sun. I realized then that when the bear had stood facing me and I felt the pressure of his eyes he had been breaking my fear, not breaking me. Despite my fear, I had connected with the bear on that crest and when I faced him he had lent me the strength I needed to overcome my fear. And though I turned and ran, he did not chase me. He had held on to my weakness and kept it up on that mountain. Since then I have borrowed the strength of the bear many times and people who see the bear in me have gifted me with bear claws. Now on the days when I see the bear I no longer feel afraid. I feel strong. | ||||
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